“Did she even know that was going to happen?”
“Oh, yeah – I think so.”
“Well, that’s crazy.”
“I know. I couldn’t believe it.”

Hello? Can anybody see me? My foot is anxiously tapping my distress on the floor. This is the third time this week, when I’ve entered a place of business and been greeted in this manner – or rather, not been greeted at all, but completely ignored.

They continue to chatter, and I continue to stand and wait.

When did customer service get flung out the window? Why is it I have to abide two teenage workers prattling on about the diurnal events of adolescence? Can’t I just get my blasted bagel?

I’d like to blame it on the hoodlums behind the counter, but surely this can’t be contributed to the slovenly and selfish ways of teenage-hood alone – it must be the result of a neglected education in good business practice. And further more, it doesn’t seem to be the direct result of age. I notice it all the time in the hospital. Older gals stand behind the desk chatting – while some poor family member waits for information or directions - and they finally get around to helping them, when they “feel like it”.

It’s shameful.

Stop what you’re doing, and help the customer for crying-out-loud!

Life tides change
and pull
and sink
in new directions

Hope is sent to sea

And I alone, stand on rocky shore
To sing its memory

I fall

Raspberry Zinger, Mandarin Spice. . .

Tea Party? Why not?

14 hours -
without food
or drink
or bathroom break
no time off feet
or time to pause
mind is in one spot
body another
focus is hazy
pen in pocket
paper too
8 meds
5 IVs
3 doctors to call
and 2 folk to subdue

Cup of juice
Interpret rhythm
Up to bathroom
Talk to family
Call x-ray
Change dressing
Back to bed
Sign consent
Lend an ear
Clean the spill
Check orders
Call the doctor
Get pain meds
Suction trach
Get a move on

Okay
Breathe

My scriptures were falling apart. The drive across the country, in a hot car without air conditioning, was not good for them.

Bro. Pickett was thoughtful and brought me a container of book binding glue back from the BYU bookstore.

So yesterday I glued some life back into the tattered pages.

I took a liking to Valentine's Day this year. It's not a bad little holiday.

I think I will enjoy it more often.

photo by clarisse gebs

On ending a relationship --

Let's take a closer look at the flashcube (some of you may remember them from childhood photo shoots, lovingly hinged to the top of a parent's camera). They contain fine wires made of magnesium metal, and when a current is passed through the wires - in the oxygen laden chamber of the cube - a flash occurs. The floor of the chamber is now covered in a powdery substance known as magnesium oxide, its properties quite different from those of the original materials, and the flashcube won't flash again.

My contents are changed.

My flashcube is spent.

I tried to make Lemon Bars today. They turned out all dry and disgusting. I was flabbergasted. I followed the recipe - so shouldn't they have turned out? I had nightmarish flashbacks to seventh grade cooking class - Mrs. Legg yelling and threatening me with detention, promising me that I would never amount to anything in the kitchen if I didn't stop goofing around, and pay attention to the way I sifted and leveled the flour. I thought she was crazy - but maybe she was right - maybe I'll never be able to bake anything with a crust because I just don't understand the properties of flour or its role in my life.

Appalachian Trail - Hike #1

Sometimes not even a wintry mix can keep you indoors. I conscripted a friend on Monday bought a guidebook on Tuesday, picked a route on Wednesday, bought food on Thursday, and headed to West Virginia on Friday.


Harpers Ferry grows gracefully up carved slopes to peer meekly out at the convergence of the Shenandoah and Potomac Rivers. It is delightful. Crooked homes on crooked hills, with narrow winding paths and steps carved into stone. We arrived at 1:30. Introduced ourselves to Gary who eagerly congratulated our ambitions and armed us with map and warm wishes, and then headed into adventure.






The AT spans 2175 miles from Georgia to Maine. It is the well developed dream of a man called Benton MacKaye. And the product of many a volunteer's hardwork. It's current mission is to preserve clean air and water, scenic vistas, wildlife and opportunities for simple recreation and renewal. And this week I became one of its weekend warriors.



Clarisse and I hit the trail at about 2:00 in the afternoon - all excitement and smiles. There's nothing like a cold rainy day on America's longest foot path to give you a sense of accomplishment.


This section of trail follows the C&O canal tow path and then ascends steeply through a serious of switch backs to the ridge of the Appalachians.




At sunset the trail yielded an enjoyable surprise - the site of a slanting roof through the fog, that suggested a warmer night's sleep. I'd like to thank Ed Garvey for his lovely contribution to the icy ridge.


Dinner: warm rice and bean soup.

We hunkered down inside sleeping bags, in a tent, in a shelter, on a blowing mountaintop - and went to sleep.

My friend Pat always says, "life is good on a mountain." He's right.

There is something so peaceful and expanding about being on a mountain top.

It gives you perspective, understanding, and purpose.

And he's still close enough to the edge

that he could go walking back over the line

Until his choices become clear

mine will remain hazy

Things I like about Pennsylvania:
Markets
Quilts
Friendly People
Narrow, winding roads
Old houses
Sunrises
Stone walls
The smell of chocolate
Trees
The Susquehanna

I love the shoulder to shoulder madness that is Manhattan.

PHILLADELPHIA

I see the moon
And the moon sees me
And the moon sees somebody I want to see

God bless the moon

And God bless me

And God bless the somebody I want to see

God looked down from up above

And he picked you out for me to love

He picked you out from all the rest

Cause he knew I'd love you the very best

I see the moon

And the moon sees me

And the moon sees somebody I want to see
God bless the moon
And God bless me
And God bless the somebody I want to see

Apples and Aubrey

What a perfect combination

I am sewing my favorite sweater back to life.

She didn’t smile, wouldn’t even make eye contact. She was dressed tightly in starched green, and I was pretty sure she ate children for breakfast – she was a fairy tale villain housed in a little booth and she was staring menacingly at my passport. Maybe they won’t let me in – what then? Would anyone help me get a flight back? I was over my head – what was I thinking? After fifteen minutes of gazing at my own Plexiglas reflection, my little blue passport slid gently into the bottom of the basin.

Ms. Friendly still hadn't made a glance in my direction, but I thought this was probably my cue to carry forward in the line. I couldn’t read the signs, so I followed the gentleman in front of me. The ceiling was low, and made up of dimly lit copper colored boxes. The whole place seemed dark and foreboding. I grabbed my incredibly over stuffed duffle bag from a pile of luggage at the end of the room and proceeded to drag it through a narrow metal gateway. The lady next to me was dressed in elegant fur and managed to step gracefully along in high heeled boots, rolling her suitcase easily behind her. Wheels – what a novel idea. I stood, feeling hideous and awkward in my dad’s humongous down jacket and my lumpy brown winter boots that were made for the tops of mountains, not long confident strides down airport corridors. And, for-crying-out-loud – why had I been so eager to purchase a bag that was nearly twice my size and practically impossible to carry – I wanted to stuff myself inside and ship it home.

Gulya was waving eagerly as I came through the gate. I must have looked so completely foreign and helpless, because she didn’t hesitate in her assumption of who I was – she introduced herself quickly, but my tired ears couldn’t comprehend the English through the heaviness of her accent.

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand”

She rolled her eyes, “I’m speaking English.” The words were drowning in my ears.

She said her name again, but I continued to look blankly at her quick-paced mouth. If only she’d speak more slowly, then maybe I could understand. She continued to chat away – she pointed to my luggage and then to a door on my far left. It slid open and closed as people passed by –allowing quick glimpses into the dark cold sky and swirling snow on the other side.
I heaved on the thick black strap of my bag, placed it carefully on my shoulder, and teetered toward the exit. She didn’t offer to help – and for some reason that really annoyed me. She followed along beside me anxiously giving me details, I was still struggling to comprehend. I wanted to close my eyes and make her go away. It was too much noise.

We stepped into the dark; the night air burned my throat and felt sharp against my skin. I let the snow fall in circles and breathed a sigh. And a weight dropped from me – something opened up inside – and gave way for all that was new and un-experienced.

Gulya nudged me toward a parked car - “Taxi.”

It looked like any other European car to me, and I wasn’t quite sure how she had determined it was anything more. The driver sat smoking idly in the front seat, one arm draped over the window sill. He watched with complete disregard as I struggled slipping and grunting through the snow. I loaded my stuff into the trunk and then I loaded myself into the back seat. Gulya sat in front with the driver. She commanded the route, or destination (I wasn’t sure which) and then turned with a reassuring smile. I smiled weakly in return.

My eyes felt heavy, but I couldn’t bear to close them. I leaned my head against the chilled window and stared up into the eyes of the hulking stone buildings that towered over ice covered streets. They looked thick around the middle, like portly old men, and they seemed to breathe as we passed – whispering their secrets. The snow fell kindly, to cover their pain. And I fell in love – I gave the city my heart. Everything seemed so new and unfamiliar – and yet it felt like home.

“I can’t go.”

I was sitting cross-legged on the floor surrounded by piles of long skirts and new sweaters. I had stopped packing suddenly – feeling, quite desperately, that what I’d said was true. I couldn’t go – it was crazy. I looked up expectantly at my Mom who was gazing back with a worried expression and knowing eyes. She nodded briefly and kept her silence. I was expecting some jeering, life-giving words of wisdom – something inspiring… or maybe all I wanted to hear her say was, “Stay here. Stay with me – I’ll take care of you. I’ll keep you safe.” But that wasn’t how life worked. Life was painful and hard – and I needed to find it again.

Gulya turned and passed me a small slip of paper. I stared at it, trying to make sense of the unusual way the letters were collected together. The note was written in English letters – but these were not English words, I didn’t know how to make sense of them. On the note was written the names of the people I’d be staying with Vitalic, Zoya, Sasha, and Valentina – I wondered what they were like. Would their faces be happy to see me?
The car pulled up outside a rumpled apartment building of orange and grey. The heavy paneled door hung exhausted on its hinges from years of ritual release to hunched and shuffling ladies, small skipping strangers, and men bent with worry. A light flickered in the entry and illuminated a row of metal mailboxes stapled to the wall. Gulya started tiredly up the stairs, and I followed slowly behind. There was a faint smell of cigarettes and urine, and my nose willed me to take shorter breaths. We were headed to apartment number eight on the third floor.

“Thanks Dad.”

I took the plastic Rubbermaid and heaved it down the hall toward my room. I was trying hard not to be embarrassed. I’m sure it was pretty normal for parents to bring their kids to college. Especially kids who didn’t have a car. No. I was ashamed. I wanted them to disappear. I wished there weren’t so many people around. I came back down the hall to find my Dad talking animatedly to my new roommate. I rolled my eyes. He was laughing at his own joke, and she kept looking to the boxes, stacked in piles around her, for help.

“Da-ad.”

“What?”

I wished my Dad was here with me now.

I took a deep breath as Gulya pounded on the big metal door. While we waited she explained that there was another English teacher living in the building – but that I’d have to go all the way back down to the street and go in through a different door to get to her apartment. I didn’t really listen. I was too anxious – too tired – my mind kept reeling with worry and excitement – and I couldn’t wait to crawl into a nice warm bed.

The door pulled open.
“Bone - nyeh.” It was my name, but it didn’t sound familiar. She smiled widely, and pulled me, stumbling into her arms. She wrapped her hands around my shoulders and eased me through the tiny entrance. Two little faces came running eagerly into my line of view babbling incoherently and giggling – they began to sing loudly, with their hands out stretched and clamped together, “There wasa lidel turdle.” Their words slurred together – and I could tell they didn’t know what they were singing. “His name es-tiny teem.” They sang gleefully – happy to be sharing my language with me. Their eyes were bright and comical – full.

“I know, I know Mom.” I was trying my hardest not to hang up the phone. Not because, I was angry, but because I didn’t care. I couldn’t be bothered. She couldn’t make me feel. I wouldn’t.

“I’m just worried, that’s all.”

“Well don’t be – I’m fine.” I snapped. I knew it was a lie.

She did too. She sighed.

“I’ll call you tomorrow.”

She sighed again.

I hung up.

I sat there staring at the phone in my hand – like it would suddenly spring to life and give me answers to all my questions. But that was the thing – those questions maybe didn’t have answers. I’d have to put them in a box, and hope that that box got old and dusty – but in order for that to happen, I’d have to stop cracking open the lid and staring hopefully at the things inside.

I went hiking on the Conestoga trail today